A Tunic
by Bazylia de Grean
Summary: Torment series, nr 6. Masters Dooku and Ilya are sent on a mission. Together. It's the middle of the night, two asassins are trying to get into the room, and the only hiding place is a wardrobe. Now *that* can only result in a major disaster.


I don't own Yoda or Dooku, and the Star Wars empire belongs to George Lucas. I just use them for some non-profit fun having. Names of Al-Khali and Klatch borrowed from Terry Pratchett's Discworld. Sele, Keey and Ilya are my insane creations, though.

This time, for a change, Dooku has a day off, 'cause we're tornmenting Ilya.

* * *

**---**

**A Tunic**

**---  
**

„For Force's sake, why me?" moaned Ilya plaintively, no longer caring for the presence of the twelve Masters of the Jedi Council.

"Believeable to be, you have," explained Yoda solemnly.

"You mean: argue all the time, yes?" asked Ilya weakly. "Master Yoda, why didn't you choose Keey?"

"Absorbed with another mission, Keey is," announced the dimunitive Master.

…

Keey Spani and Sele Stark, a padawan of Keey's friend Ilya Bassel, were cheerfully walking down the main merchant street of Al-Khali, the capital city of Klatch. They were on a mission, escorting the Alderaanian princess during a diplomatic journey, of course. But since the princess found some free time for shopping... Oh, well.

"Master, can we come in for a while?" Sele glanced at shop-window of one of the exclusive evening-gown boutiques. "Master Ilya promised she will take me to the Opera, and I don't have a proper dress…"

"Of course." Keey smile generously. "The Temple's paying."

…

Master Yan Dooku raised an eyebrow in disbelief.

"Excuse me?"

"On a mission together to go, you have," repeated Yoda patiently.

"For Force's sake, but why with _her_?!"

"With Master Keey Spani to go, prefer you would?" asked the tiny Master innocently.

A strange look flickered in Dooku's eyes, something quite alike 'Be-Gone-Foul-Fiend".

"No, thank you." Dooku sighed. „It does not seem like I have any choice, or am I mistaken?"

"A choice, you have not," confirmed Yoda merrily.

"All right. Just tell me one thing, Master. Why in space are we to pretend we're married?"

"Suspitions, not to raise," answered Yoda. "A popular resort, Al-Khali is."

Dooku swallowed a curse. Al-Khali was a popular resort indeed… For newly-weds.

…

They entered the apartment, looked around and groaned, in perfect harmony: there was only one bed in the room.

"I will sleep on the floor," offered Dooku heroically, casting a disgusted glance at the bed.

"Thanks. Err... Want to take a shower now?"

"Go. I'll unpack… us."

Ilya nodded.

...

That was not the most socially satisfying evening in their lives, but – strangely – neither Dooku nor Ilya felt like talking. So, after a failed attempt at a conversation, they decided to entertain themselves with a few games of holochess.

During the fifteenth Dooku glanced at the chrono.

"It's geting late."

"Tru-uu-ue." Ilya yawned, covering her mouth with her hand. „Sorry. You're right, time to go to-…" she wanted to say 'to go to bed', but quickly abandoned the idea. „Time to go to sleep."

Dooku nodded and stood up.

"I'll go-... I'll be back shortly," he said, then disappeared behind the bathroom door.

Right after Dooku left the bathroom – his Jedi robe still on, though she tried not to look anyway, just in case – Ilya went in, closed the door, then took what probably was the quickest shower in her life.

When she went out, Dooku was already lying on a blanket on the floor, wrapped in another blanket, face turned to the wall. Ilya practically jumped onto the bed and buried herself under the coverlet.

"Goodnight," came Dooku's baritone, extraordinarily dark, from the floor level.

"Goodnight," murmured Ilya, from beneath the covers.

And then silence fell.

…

Ilya was awakened by muffled, distant voices. She opened her eyes slowly and tried to wipe the sleep away with the back of her hand.

"Dooku?" she whispered, barely audibly.

"Hush," spoke a voice just next to her.

Ilya almost jumped. Dooku was standing near the bed, actually leaning on it with one knee.

"You want to give me a heart attack?" hissed Ilya quietly, but before she managed to say anything more Dooku covered her mouth with his hand.

_Be quiet._

_I will be quiet, now let go of me!_

Dooku let go.

_What is that?_, asked Ilya through her thoughts, slightly anxious.

_They're looking for us_, answered Dooku coolly, casually.

_But, bloody hell, who?_

_Language, my dear. How__ should I know _who_? But I suggest we'd disappear somewhere…_

Ilya gave him a stern stare, as well as she could in the dark. _Have any plan?_

_Yes_, answered Dooku. He let Ilya access one of his thoughts.

_You're insane…_

_Have a better plan?_

_All right, you're not insane. But how are you going to do it?_

_There was a mobile Holonet decoder somewhere in here… I'll look for it, you go turn on the shower_, commanded Dooku.

_But what has the shower to do with Holo-… Oh. _Ilya finally understood what Dooku was going to use the decoder for. _Dooku, you're disgusting._

_But effective. Now go and check if you shouldn't be in the bathroom._

_Very funny…_

…

Dooku was tinkering with the decoder, quite in a hurry. Ilya was sitting at the edge of the bathtub, watching the flowing water.

"Ready?" she asked, in a whisper.

"Almost,"murmured Dooku in answer, concentrating on decoder's various buttons and cables. "Hah! Now it should work."

There was a rasp; the screen flickered, then black and white stripes appeared on it. Muffled voices could be heard from the loudspeaker. Dooku increased volume. Ilya listened for a while: each second the talk was losing on sense, but gaining considerably on… special… effects.

Dooku rose and grasped Ilya's hand.

"We're going."

"Where?"

"To hide."

"But where?"

"Wardrobe."

_Oh, da-..._

_Language, my dear._

…

Inside, the wardrobe was totally dark and smelled of lavender. Ilya hated lavender.

_Lavender?_ Dooku's thought-voice was filled with disgust. _Repulsive._

_I can't believe it... Are we actually agreeing on something?_

_Don't believe, just get in._

_How courteous..._

_Could you please come inside?_ Dooku growled in the Force. _Just make it quick, because if I'm not mistaken someone is trying to solder throught the door._

Ilya obediently went inside. Dooku squeezed in behind her and noiselessly closed the wardrobe door.

_Could you take you hand from my hi-... just __move it somewhere higher, okay?_

Dooku tried to move, and after a short tussle his hand came to rest on Ilya's waist. _I'm afraid it's the only free place, well, 'somewhere higher'._

There was a loud clatter as a cut-out piece of the door fell down.

"I'm telling you, they're somewhere in here," whispered a female voice. Probably a female voice. The wardrobe door were quite a good isolation.

"Who are-…" began the second voice, but the first interrupted brutally.

"Spies. Or assassins. There's no other option."

_Sounds familiar._ Ilya turned her head to face Dooku, only to realize she would not see him in the darkness anyway.

_After some time of being a Jedi all such individual__s sound familiar_, concluded Dooku. _Um, could you..._

_Yes?_

_If you turned arou__nd to face me and... ough… stood a little closer, I could stop twisting my arm and move it from behind my back. But that's just a loose suggestion._

Ilya sighed inwardly. She had just known something like that was bound to happen.

"I think someone's in the bathroom," noted the second voice.

"I think even two 'someones'."

Double, silent footsteps went away towards the bathroom slowly.

_Step away a little…_

_Could you tell me where am I supposed to step away, having my own arm behind me? Ouch!... _Dooku gasped when Ilya elbowed his stomach.

_Sorry…_

_Next time, just tell you really don't want to do something, all right? We can always negotiate._

_Very funny, Dooku. In that case, those were agressive negotiations._

"There's no one in here!" announced the second voice from the bathroom, irritation obvious in its tone.

"Congratulations, you've just informed the whole area we're here."

There was a moment of silence, and then a sudden chuckle.

"I think it's picking a wrong channel," noticed merrily the first voice.

"A wrong channel? But how-.."

"Girl, you don't really think it was left playing 'The Night Session with the Coolest Cartoons', do you?

"We-ell... Not really..."

"What's that look on your face supposed to be?" A hint of threat echoed in the first voice.

"Well... Master... How did you know what's on this channel currently?"

"Knowing the holo programme doesn't mean I watch everything!"

_I have a disturbing impression this is an asylum__, not a hotel..._, remarked Dooku casually. _Ilya, please, my hand won't take it much longer..._

_Just a moment... Here you go._

There was a quiet rustle and finally Ilya went immobile, her head somewhere in the vicinity of Dooku's shoulder and her hands resting on his chest.

_Dooku…_

_Yes?_

_Can't you sleep in a tunic?!_

_It was hot…_

_It will get hot once we're out of here._

_Oh, was this a promise?_

Ilya moaned quietly in exasperation. Dooku freed his arm and, considering the shortage of free space, put it around Ilya; somewhere near the shoulder blades, guessing by the bones which could be felt under her nightgown.

_Dooku… __can I kill you?_

_Y__ou prefer to be closed in here with an alive version of me, I assure you._

_I wouldn't be so sure..._

"They're not in here."

"Check properly. The balcony, ventilation shafts... They have to be somewhere."

_Were I dead, I wouldn't be saying all those little comments which seem to amuse you so._

_Oh, a terrbile drawback. Anythin__g more?_

_Well, actually-…_Dooku's thoughts suddenly fell silent for a moment._ You use perfumes?_

_It's not perfumes, it's__ my shampoo._

_Mm… I can smell Vjun roses._

_Dooku, __what do you think you're doing?_

_Smelling?_

_Dooku, stop. You're making me feel uncomfortable._

_Aha._

_I've asked you to stop. You don't know how Vjun roses smell or what? Dooku!_

_Ha__h._

'_Hah'?_

_I like when you're saying that…_

_When I'm asking you to stop__?! _

_No, when you call me 'Dooku'._

_Dooku… Argh… I'm serious, take your nose away from my hair!_

_As you wish._

_Err… could you stop breathing on my ear while you're talking?_

_You ordered me to take my nose awa__y from your hair, that's as 'away' as I can get. Besides, I've just began. And it's not like I can turn my head 180 degrees or something._

_Thanks Force, otherwise your hair would tickle me._

_You're insane..._

_Aha._

_What 'aha'?_

_But you like my insanity._

_I like anything about you?_

_Yes, you like when I call you 'Dooku'. Not calling a colleague by his given name is not quite normal, you know?_

_Aha…_

_Dooku…_

_Yes?_

_Could you finally stop moving? And cou__ld you stop breathing on my cheek?_

_Actually… I could._

_Tha-… Dooku, I didn't mean-… What is your hand doing on my neck?!_

_Well, lying? Then what exactly did you mean?_

_Doo-… Umm…_

… _Yes?... What no-… Mm._

… _Nothi-__… Mmm._

The door opened suddenly. Ilya and Dooku were blinded by the light of a xenon torch.

Everyone went still.

"Dooku?" sputtered the first voice, now clearly familiar.

"Master Ilya?" asked the second voice, shocked.

"Keey?" asked Dooku, his voice somehow strangled.

"Sele?" gasped Ilya.

Keey was staring at the picteresque scene curiosly.

"Err... Ilya, what exactly are you doing... in a dark wardrobe, _with Dooku_?

"Hiding?"

"We're on a mission, Keey," explained Dooku, considerably less politely than he should.

"But of course. Did the instruction for you mission mention anything about hiding together in a wardrobe, in a nightgown and pyjamas... well, pants," corrected Keey. "No, don't tell me: it's not what I think it is..."

"There has been nothing between-..." begun Ilya.

"Yes, yes, there has been nothing between you," interrupted Keey. "Not even a tunic, from what I can see."

"What exactly are _you_ doing here?" Dooku decided to assume the offensive.

"Yoda sent us on a mission, apparently. We were to protect the Alderaanian princess from a pair of asassins. They were to be hiding here as newly-weds."

A dark gleam of understanding flickered in Dooku's eyes. He let go of Ilya and they both crambled out of the wardrobe.

"Does this mean he hoaxed all the four of us?"

"Seems so," agreed Keey. "Wait. The four of us?"

"We were supossed to find two bounty hunters who kidnapped the princess."

Ilya's eyes flared murderously.

"I don't like to feel used..."

Keey smiled, most innocently.

"Oh, I see we've missed much..."

Dooku summoned to his lips a charming smile.

"Keey?"

"Yes?"

"Shut up?" he suggested politely.

"In a wardrobe? Dooku, was this a proposal?"

"Shut anywhere you want, as long as it's without me. And now, since everything is clear, out to your apartment. With a bit of luck you'll get there in time to watch the last minutes of 'The Night Session with the Coolest Cartoons'."

Keey blinked. "Excuse me?"

"Master Spani, but you said-..." began Sele, but was silenced by Ilya's hand touching her shoulder.

"Let go." Ilya was trying very hard to remain serious, but finally yielded. "Dooku, you're impossible."

"Just impossible now? Sweet Force, I am making progress."

"Hey, I've got an idea. We're returning to our ship, why don't you come with us?" suggested Keey. "The Alderaanian royal yacht, you've never seen anything like it before."

"Well, why not," agreed Ilya. "Just give us a few minutes to pack, okay?"

"And for some to get dressed properly," added Dooku.

"We'll wait in the hall."

Keey positively pulled Sele out of the apartment, closing the remains of the door behind them. Dooku and Ilya immediately started packing.

"Ilya?"

"Mhm?"

"Do you think they have a wardrobe on that yacht?"

"Dooku!"

Ilya watched the innocent look on Dooku's face for a while, then sat down on the floor, hid her face in her hand and burst into laughter.

"You know, I like this too."

"What?" Ilya managed to answer between spasm of laughter.

"When you're laughing like that. Like insane, I mean."

"Dooku..."

...

Lightyears away from Klatch, in the galactic capital, Coruscant, a Jedi Master was sitting in one of the meditation chambers in the Jedi Temple. But he was not meditating. His hand was hidden in his palms, and tears were falling down his green cheeks.

Master Yoda, chuckling with satisfaction inwardly, was laughing so hard he was actually crying.

...

Ilya was walking the corridors of the royal yacht. Truly, she had not seen anything like that before. The vessel was immense, to say the least.

"They should make some signs, or give audioguides, or whatever." Ilya sighed and continued down the corridor. Leaving her cabin had been, from her present perspective, an extraordinarily bad idea.

"I should have marked the way with a thread. Or chalk. Or cut arrows with my lightsaber. Or-..."

Thud!

Ilya discovered something was standing in her way only after she bumped into it. She blinked, trying to overcome a sudden headache. _Walls don't move, do-..._

"Dooku?"

The tall Master smiled charmingly.

"It is I, my dear."

And then silence fell. Dooku just kept on smiling. Ilya was thinking, desperately. Finally she gave up.

"Er... Do you know the way back to our cabins?"

"Moreless." Dooku nodded. "But I know an interesting shortcut." Dooku's eyes gleamed pecularly, as if he had been planning a joke.

_But Dooku? No..._ Dooku joking was an image too far from probable.

"What shortcut?"

Dooku's smiled widened slightly; it was becoming really disturbing. Ilya blinked, but when the smiled did not disappear from Dooku's face, she wiped her eyes. That, too, did not seem to work: Dooku was still smiling.

"Just don't tell me you've been looking for me to announce you've found a wardrobe, or I'll begin to doubt the laws of the universe."

"I won't."

It it had been anyone else, Ilya would think he had just grinned. In Dooku's case, however... Well, 'Dooku' and 'grinned' did never appear in the same sentence. They did not, did they? Ilya was already beginning to doubt.

"Tell me and let's be done with it. Because if your smile will widen any more, I'll die of shock."

"But... you see, it's a secret."

Ilya sighed.

"Whatever you're planning, please, just get to it."

Dooku stepped closer and lowered his head a bit.

"The thing is..." he spoke right into Ilya's ear, evidently not going to tell her anything straightaway.

"Dooku!"

"Yes?" asked Dooku innocently, putting his arms around Ilya.

"Hey, let me go!" Ilya tried to break free, but her efforts proved vain.

"Last time I had an impression you liked it."

"Oh, and what about flowers, a dinner-..."

"Dinner?"

"You know: wine, candles, music..."

"You're not serious. We're returning to Coruscant in three days, if not later..."

"Train you patience, Jedi."

"Now you're just outright cruel. Really, truly cru-... Mmmm."

"Now, will you tell me what the Sith have you come for?"

Dooku shook his head. "So that was just a bribe? How very non-Jedi."

"Dooku, you're incorrigible." Finally, Ilya laughed. "Give up your famous eloquence for a while and just tell me."

Dooku smiled mischievously. "I've found a dressing-room."

* * *

I know it's not even close to anything like a Christmas story, but I hope it made you smile :)

If you have any ideas for the series to continue that you'd like to see written down, tell me :)


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